Columnist Mona Charen writes a compelling article challenging the myth of the “unwanted child” and the insensitivity of the main stream media in regard to birth parents who choose the option of adoption as well as to the myth that all adopted persons are” tortured souls” or are some how less grounded than those of us who are not adopted…link below to this well thought out and researched article…
http://news.yahoo.com/steve-jobs-unwanted-child-070000503.html
Link below to read a heartfelt article of an adoptive family who is being honored in Washington DC at the 2011 Angels in Adoption Awards for their courage and loving open relationship they maintain with their adopted children’s birth mothers…I love the honest and respectful words they use to describe their relationships with each of their children’s birth mothers..It’s good to hear adoptive families speak out about open adoption and better yet to see them being honored and recognized for doing so we need more adoptive families like this to speak out on behalf of their birth mothers!! Hats off to this wonderful family…
http://www.kearneyhub.com/news/local/article_d66fdf66-ebf5-11e0-8b45-001cc4c002e0.html
This is a heartfelt and “persuasive speech” provided by a birth mother for a college class assignment…She speaks openly and backs up her position with resources and a final convincing letter of endorsement of open adoption from the adoptive mother… The YouTube clip is entitled “Open Adoption A Persuasive Speech”…click link below to watch…
Contact Kinship Center at at www.pregnantwhatdoido.com
for help and straight forward information regarding your options…experienced social workers are available to talk through your options..in the mean time click the link below to FamilyDoctors.org for valuable health information if you suspect you are facing an unplanned pregnancy…
http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/women/pregnancy/basics/842.html
I was recently sent a link to a National Public Radio interview titled.”The Girls Who Went Away”: Birth Mothers’ Stories by author and adopted person Ann Fessler…Fessler tells the stories of woman from the 1940′s thru the early 1970′s who were pregnant and sent away under the cloak of secrecy and shame to have their babies at maternity homes and then in most cases were coerced into surrendering their children to adoption…These woman were told to then move on with their lives …with no acknowledgement of grief and loss issues inherent in adoption the majority of these woman were left with regret, shame and guilt..some spent years silently grieving…. longing to know where their children were…Were they alive? Did they know they were adopted? Were they loved and parented well?? How did their lives turn out??…so many unanswered questions…a legacy of pain and unresolved grief…I was struck with how different adoptions are today when a birth mother I worked with several years ago stopped in to see me…I had helped her with her second adoption…she currently has an open adoption with the family and visits regularly with her birth daughter age 8…but the more exciting thing for me to observe was the fact that she had reconnected with her first child she placed for adoption… that child was now age 16….they were spending several days together before school started .. this teen was connecting with her heritage..her genetics… her first mom…. and most of all a sense of herself!!…I watched in awe as they joked and laughed together and I was struck how much they resembled each other physically…they left heading off for a day at the beach…I asked if they would like to speak to prospective adoptive parents to help educate them to the realities of today’s adoption..they eagerly said yes..I then asked the teen would your Mom and Dad be cool with that.?.She smiled at her birth mother and answered” they’d think it was a great idea they’d want to come too …They arranged this visit”!!… Click the link below to listen to the NPR interview…my heart goes out to these woman…how did the adoption community get it so wrong all those years… adoption practice is changing…in some cases not fast enough… I still read the blogs and see the chat rooms where woman were led to believe their adoption would be open only to have the door slamed in their face by fearful adoptive parents…we must continue to learn from this painful legacy and strive to educate birth and adoptive parents that if an adoption must occur, it needs to be built on real well defined loving relationships that are child centered….. hats off to this birth mom I have been blessed to know for sharing her story with me and for teaching me how to be a better adoption professional….and many thanks to the brave and loving adoptive family for letting their daughter explore her roots and connect…
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5408449&ps=rs
Kinship Center adoptive mother Jackie, who also happens to be an adoptee, wrote a loving tribute to the woman who changed her life forever, her son’s birth mother. It is an amazing story filled with love and proof of what can happen when birth and adoptive families allow themselves to connect and build real relationships.
The myth in society is that birthmoms don’t care about their children; that they don’t want anything to do with them. That myth couldn’t be further from the truth. I will never forget the pain and sadness I saw in Francis’ eyes while she held her infant son and handed him to me. I wept tears of sadness for her because I knew she was making the ultimate sacrifice for her son by letting him go.
I imagined what my own birthmother must have experienced when she left me at the hospital and went home empty-handed. I imagined what my adoptive mother must have felt the first time she held me. It was such a bittersweet day and truly difficult to enjoy. I felt tremendous guilt knowing that what was the happiest day of my life was the saddest day of Francis’ life. My heart ached for her for a long time knowing that she was grieving the loss of her baby boy.
That was over seven years ago and our relationship has evolved into more than just birthmother and adoptive mother. Francis is my friend. She is funny and witty. She is kind and loving. She is a blessing in my life.
Recently, we came very close to adopting another baby, but the mother decided to parent. We were heartbroken and devastated. As I cried the next morning, my mind went to Francis. I had this sudden urge to call her and tell her how much I love her. I kept thinking over and over how thanks to her, I am a mother. Not only did I have the need to call her, I needed to see her, spend time with her, and tell her face to face how much I appreciate her.
I owed it to her and I owed it to my son.
When I shared my feelings with my husband, he said he had the same need I did. So right then and there we decided we would go visit Daniel’s birthfamily. When we announced the news to our son, he ran to us and put his arms around us and enthusiastically cried out “Thank you mommy and daddy! You’re the best mommy and daddy in the whole world!”
During our two day visit with Francis, Armando, and their four children, we grew to love them even more, if that’s even possible. Nothing gave us more joy than seeing our son play with his birth-siblings and interact with his birthparents. We had fun; we laughed; we got to know one another a bit more; and most importantly, we created memories for our son to cherish forever.
While Francis and I were alone, she handed me a manila folder. When I opened it, tears immediately began to fall from my face. For the first time ever, I saw ultrasound pictures of my precious little Daniel. Francis said she wanted me to have them. And just like that, once again Francis proved to me the hero she truly is.”
Kinship Center Birth Mother April Flint (an adoptee herself) has lovingly written about her adoption journey and the special relationship that she is building with the adoptive family she chose to parent her infant daughter. We posted her story “Options for an Unplanned Pregnancy (The Book of Sara)” on March 7, 2011 describing the day she placed the baby for adoption. Today she wrote about the adoption finalization and the range of feelings she experienced when she attended the finalization. Many thanks April for sharing your story and for writing with such candor, love and humor. You are an inspiration!!!
July 13, 2011 was a foggy day. I had incidentally set my atomic clock to Colorado time the night before so I had showered, dried my hair and when I came back into the living room saw the kitchen clock. 5:52AM. I wanted to get up at 6:30 not 5:30. My good friend Jeannette and her husband drove down to be with me and I was trying not to wake them up.
She wanted up at 7AM.
Pulling into the court parking lot was surreal. We parked one spot away from the happy family. Mommy was painting just adopted on the back window of the car. Then I got out of the car. You would have thought I was a Parkinson’s patient I was shaking so much.
As usual the Soto’s just embraced me and then I got to see Miss Sara. Well first I met the Godfather and the Aunty. Then came Sara. Her mommy found 2 purple flowers so Sara and I could share. (I had asked that Sara wear a little purple to honor my adoption too. I wore a white dress with a purple sash so many years ago.) Sara tried eating her flower later in the day. She smiled up at me and her Mommy said she always looks to you until she hears my voice. Then Mommy gave me another hug and said this is how it is supposed to be. You are Aunty April but she will always remember you in a different way and I am so glad for that. Not hard to see why we bonded Mommy and I!!!!!
My other friend Robin came to support me too. She brought gifts for Sara’s backpack project. My friends are still collecting to give to the project. Talk about giving. My friends know how to do that. All in Sara’s name.
I thought I knew what love was. I learned it is compassion, respect, joy, gratefulness, and a group of people that love Miss Sara as much as I do. She is loved and respected. God help the person that decides to mess with Sara. I think she will be capable of taking them out but watchout for her family. I am included in that group!!!!
Whew it was déjà vu being in a courtroom for adoption. The bailiff gave Sara a pink bunny. Not a dry eye in the room over that move. She loves her pink bunny still! Well when the Judge came in and it was a woman I had to lean on my friend. The family was videotaping and I did not want them to hear me sobbing and snuffling.
Wow 5 minutes and that is it? Really? Wasn’t there supposed to be fireworks, confetti, a banner or maybe a loud proclamation? Don’t they ask if the birth mom is there? Don’t they ask that she is agreeing to love and support this child always?
I think we were all disappointed in the court part.
Until we got into the hallway and the family I had just met realized what I did. They all kept hugging me and crying. Most said they loved me. They all said “do you know how happy you have made Caitlin & David?”. My answer yes I do, but do you know how happy I am to be a part of this and how much all of your support means? More tears, hugs and that was in the courthouse. Then we got to the Brunch!
Brunch was yummy! I made bacon cheddar scones. I had to bring something. I always bring something. Well frittata, asparagus, fresh fruit salads, pastries, and more were on the table. It was all delicious! More so the company. We all sat around keeping Sara in her walker entertained. We talked and laughed.
Then it was time for me to record my message to Sara on video. I think I am the only one who got to hold her during the message. I told her face to face that I loved her with all my heart and that I would always love her. I said that it was an honor to have found her forever family and be a part of it. I told her I would always be here for her. ALWAYS!!! I gave her a couple kisses on the head (she was trying to eat my flower at that point). And that was that.
Cailtin and I had a few laughs over the fact that we don’t feel different. Sara has been a Soto since December 07, 2011 when she went home from the hospital. Well she became a Soto the night before when I called them and said be at the hospital at noon and bring a car seat because they won’t let you take Sara home without it.
I was the chosen vessel to bring that precious joy into the world. I miss her everyday but know I did the right thing! Not only did I do the right thing by choosing open adoption, I chose the best family for my little girl. This journey is not over. I am here for the long run!!! Blessings to Kinship Center for helping us all through Sara’s Big Day.”
Each month Kinship Center hosts an adoption support group for birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees …finding support as you journey through the adoption process is a good thing..at our last months meeting we had three birth mothers who attended and shared their stories regarding their decision making as well as the joys and challenges associated with doing an open adoption..by sharing their personal stories they help to educate the prospective adoptive families who attend as well as adoptive families as to the life long impact of adoption planning…the group is a time for sharing tears, laughter, sorrow and joy…. all of the intense emotions associated with adoption for all parties…sometimes birth parents or pregnant woman exploring adoption can’t make it too a meeting..I found a wonderful alternative via the Internet…Birth Mom Buds at www.birthmombuds.com
Support is now just a click away for pregnant woman needing support to explore adoption as well as birth mothers who have placed and need a safe place to share their experience…This is a genuine and caring web site staffed by birthparents… I’m deeply impressed with their care and understanding of adoption and birth mother issues..check them out and also link below to a beautiful you tube video they made telling” real stories” of the joys and challenges of the adoption option…Hats off to Birth Mom Buds and if you are a birth mother , or a pregnant woman exploring adoption locally in Southern California please come to our open adoption support group..the first Wednesday of every month at our Tustin Ca office located at 18302 Irvine Blvd. suite 300 Tustin, Ca.92780 call for details 714 9792365.
Each time I work with a woman who has the courage to explore adoption I’m reminded of how important the matching process prior to the birth between birth and adoptive families is… and how sometimes this process can be painful when matches don’t work out… or leads to disappointment and a prospective adoptive family and a birth mother must reexamine their choice and bravely and wisely admit the match may not be right..they must disengage emotionally and move on to find the right connection for themselves …adoption is a life long process…it holds the potential for building a powerful relationship and a foundation for the child to rest upon…it is perhaps the most powerful decision a pregnant woman and a couple hoping to adopt will mutually make..who will be chosen to raise the child?…and what kind of relationship will they develop and nurture over time?… the pieces must fit… and communication between birth and adoptive families must be honest and based on trust and mutual respect… there must be a mutual connection and a “real” bond between the birth parents and the adoptive parents…link below to hear a birth mother’s real story of how she found the right connection and chose the adoptive family she placed her baby with…
When an unplanned pregnancy occurs a woman’s life can be turned upside down…reaching out for help can be scary and is not an easy thing to do…women I have worked with told me they wondered what would they find when they made that initial call for help or wrote that initial email contacting an agency for help…would someone respond quickly?…Would they be non judgemental?…Would they find support and answers to their questions? Will the adoption process be clearly explained to you?. .. Would they educate and offer true choices and exploration of all options not just adoption…If an adoption is chosen will they educate and counsel about the life long impact of choosing adoption?…click below and link to an informative video clip I found that discusses what a woman exploring her options should expect and look for in an agency…
