A good friend and someone I have been privileged to aid on their adoption journey as a birth mother often addresses the issue of staying present or as I call it remaining ready for “duty” as a birth mother..she now has a fourteen year relationship with the family that adopted her son…. I respect them for how their open adoption “equation” came together.. I often ask myself and the birth mother what were the factors for this success especially when I read in so many chat rooms the number of birth mothers who were promised a relationship with openness and were let down and abandoned by the adoptive family…and  further will the birth mother and adopted child benefit  from this committment to maintaining the relationship… She said right from the beginning the adoptive  family opened the door to her..her initial reaction was to run and seek cover…after all as a birth mother wouldn’t it just be easier to avoid contact rather than having a host of  grief and loss feelings thrown into your face every time you had contact…  the families continued reaching out helped her to balance out the pain of the adoption with the joy that contact and building a relationship can bring….She took advantage of counseling and attended a support group monthly for years…and when ever called upon she would help to educate other families considering adoption whether birth or adoptive..She made a point to always respect the families boundaries and plan in advance for visits and contacts…. some times  a difficult task as the years went on and families schedules were busy… in addition they planned several rituals each year spending time together during the holidays and around birthdays and shared significant activities/events such as baptisms,  recitals, graduations etc.  within both their families…..she and the adoptive family involved their extended families  right from the beginning in the relationship ..they truly took the “it takes a village” approach in forming their relationship..and both subscribed to the idea that a child can not have too many people or “grandmas” to love them… she also maintained relationships with other birth mothers and worked her feelings out with them…when things became difficult she backed off  from the relationship for a while but never went for too long without contact…her birth son is happy secure and a normal 14 year old..She is and will always be someone that I respect and admire..I feel privileged that I’ve been able to see her adoption unfold… it has aided me immensely in my work with other women who are considering adoption.. … In  addition I’ve linked below to two sites the first is the groundbreaking  2002 University of Texas longitudinal study of birth mothers ,adoptees, and adoptive families…the study supports the idea that open relationships produce greater satisfaction and healing for birth mothers..the second link is to another hero of mine… birth mother Brenda Romanchick’s web site ..the article is entitled; “Can a child have too many grandmas?” click below to link. to these sites….good information for anyone considering adoption… adoptive or birth family….

http://www.utexas.edu/news/2002/10/07/nr_adoption/

http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/html/too_many_grandmas_.html

Each month I’m given the privilege of running an open adoption support group… it’s an eclectic group of birth parents/birth family members and adoptive parents in various stages of their adoption journey….we learn and grow from each other and often shoulder the pain and loss inherent in adoption as well as celebrate the joys that adoption can bring….tonight a birth mother who placed 25 years ago in what she believed was an open adoption shared her pain and unresolved grief. .she said she was sent pictures and was allowed one precious visit when her son was two at a park …she was never acknowledged during that visit and was only allowed to view her son from a distance and was not allowed to interact with him…..she marvelled at the degree of openness that some of the couples in the group were sharing that they had with their birth parents or their birth parents families…one adoptive mother spoke of a recent visit she had with her son’s birth mother and birth grandmother. ..she said she watched as her son and his birth mother rolled around on the floor laughing and tickling each other..the adoptive mother said it gave her great joy and comfort to see this ..she said it didn’t take away from her role as mother or make her feel jealous but that it actually made the bond between she and her son stronger … it thrilled her to see how loved her son was by his birth mother…. another birth mother spoke of her journey and  remembered being counseled at the time of  her adoption… she said her social worker spent a great deal of time asking her questions about parenting and talking to her about how she could parent..she said she really appreciated that her social worker helped her and insisted that she explore parenting… she reflected thankfully  that she was given the time and the option to do that as part of her adoption journey  …she chose adoption and  now has a  loving 14 year relationship with her birth son and the adoptive family who over time have become her family…the other birth mother in attendance spoke up and said if only 25 years ago someone had asked her that one question “do you want to parent” and as  part of her counseling had  said” you can parent”..  it’s an option..”lets look at how we can make that happen”…..would things have been different for her?…she described being told at the birth not to hold the baby  or she’d become attached …  I reflected …no greater attachment than the umbilical cord … pregnant women are attached and should be….she remembered stroking his head and ear once or twice at the hospital and then he was gone…fast forward to 25 years later ..she has since reunified with her son but still experiences the pain and unresolved feelings of loss and what she missed out on… pictures and letters helped but they didn’t take the place of a real  relationship..the birth mom with the 14 year relationship remarked how thankful she was that during the 14 years of her adoption journey that  the adoptive family kept reaching out to her and inviting her into the relationship ..she said if they had not done that she more than likely would have drifted off and dropped away from the relationship because at times it was painful to be involved..if adoptions must take place these questions have to be asked and explored ..relationships should be built that benefit and support the child and the stability of the adoptive family as well as the birth family… these relationships are powerful and healing and can help to balance out the pain and loss in adoption with the joy that adoption can bring….. prior to closing out this posting I received a google alert and read a story published in a Nevada newspaper…  I want to end this posting with it …the title of the article is ” Long awaited family”… I love the words the adoptee used to describe his experience .. basically saying his adopted life was good but there was “always something missing”… link to this bittersweet story…. and what ever side of the adoption equation you see yourself on birth or adoptive… keep your heart open to the possibilities of what relationship built adoptions can hold for you and your child if an adoption must take place…link below..

http://www.theunion.com/article/20110106/NEWS/110109869/1001&parentprofile=1053