When an adoption is child centered it offers the adults involved both birth and adoptive the opportunity  to join together in forming “sacred connections” which hopefully will last a life time and offer the child a greater sense of belonging and love… and  less mystery  and anxiety over why and how the adoption occurred…I’m thankful during this season to reflect on the many wonderful and brave birth parents I have been so fortunate to work with ..they have taught me so many lessons regarding courage and truly selfless love….each time I see a birth mother bravely reach out to the adoptive family and remain present in the adoption for the sake of her child my heart sings….I’ve also seen the unfortunate downside for a child when a door may be closed to a birth parent out of fear by an adoptive parent …Each family entering into an adoption whether birth or adoptive has the responsibility to delve into the issues of building a relationship and truly needs to ask themselves what are the benefits of maintaining a relationship…the standard response that the balls in her court or we haven’t seen or heard from her so we wont reach out…or we will let her take the lead is just not good enough…Birth parents often struggle with the idea of roles..What am I to the family? What will I be called?… Am I intruding?…What if I see something I disagree with?…Or my grief becomes stronger after contact…Helping each other to take a step back sometimes when the adults in the adoption may be uncomfortable can be a good thing…trying at these uncomfortable moments to think of it from the child’s viewpoint..after all wasn’t that the reason for the adoption… to keep the  focus on the child and hold these connections sacred…I pulled out one of my favorite books that so tenderly and beautifully illustrates this..It’s called “Sacred Connections” by Psychologist Mary Ann Koenig /Photos by Niki Berg…The book will take you on a thought provoking and emotional journey.. at times it will make you laugh and smile other times it will make you cry…It’s worth adding to your library and worth pulling out at those moments when you struggle with building your child centered adoption…If you are a Birth Parent don’t let your fears get the better of you and prevent you from making contact and being present in the adoption.. I am told by many Birth parents it will get easier with time….if you’re an adoptive parent reading this.. Be “Thankful” if you know where your child’s birth family is and make a point to reach out to them and invite them into the adoption even if its only small steps of sending an email or pictures…it’s a start for acknowledging and strengthening those “Sacred Connections”…your child may someday thank you for your courage and wisdom…Click the link to consider purchasing the book.. it’s worth it….

http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Connections-Adoptions-Ann-Koenig/dp/0762408014

The holidays are just around the corner…hopefully there will be time for celebrating “family” especially if you are involved in an open adoption with your Birth Child and their family…sometimes there is anxiety about gift giving… Will the gift be liked? …Will it be enough?..What’s the message in the gift?…I’ve seen Birth Parents and Adoptive Families struggle with gift giving …this emotional struggling can sometimes  prevent Birth Parents from acting or cause them to retreat from the process all together… and perhaps miss an opportunity to share the deep emotions and love they feel for their Birth Child…I was working with an Adult Adoptee recently and he shared the one true thing that he treasured in life..It was a letter that his now deceased Birth Father wrote to him at the time he placed him for adoption…He said he often read the simple letter over and over again…The comfort he gained from it was immeasurable …He knew he mattered and he was loved…  That his adoption came from a place of love and not from rejection or abandonment… It was what his Birth Father believed was best for him … I’ve gathered the following  list of suggested gifts for Birth Parents to give to their Birth Children… Most are reasonably priced and can easily be ordered on line… Where ever possible I’ve linked directly to the item…I’ve also linked to a great article about gift giving from Birth Mother Brenda Romanchick ..she offers a practical and heartfelt perspective on the issue of gift giving for Birth Parents and Adoptive Families…

1. Maybe not easy to compose but how about a letter to your Birth Child explaining simply and lovingly why you felt you needed to make a plan of adoption for them..put it in a little treasure/keepsake box that you’ve decorated along with a framed photo of you or better yet a photo of you and your baby at the hospital after the birth..hopefully you and the Adoptive Family took a ton of photos at the hospital…

2. If your Birth Child and Adoptive Family sadly live too far for you to frequently visit…why not consider a Hallmark recordable book… it’s your voice actually reading the story to your child and you can personalize it with your child’s name…the directions are easy to follow, hit the record button and read the words to the story and mail off to your child ..they even have the “Night Before Christmas”…What a wonderful tradition to start for your child and you’re also giving them the gift of reading!! http://www.hallmark.com/online/in-stores/recordable-storybooks/

3. Start a yearly tradition of sending your child a personalized Christmas tree ornament that includes the year inscribe on the ornament…Imagine what a collection they will have by the time they are grown and go off to build their family!!

4.Consider building up your child’s adoptive family library…Three great books..”Did My First Mother Love Me? by Kathryn Ann Miller. http://www.amazon.com/Did_My-First-Mother-Love/dp/0930934849/nef=pd_rhf_p_t_3 ; or  “The Best For You” by Kelsey Stewart also available at  www.amazon.com. or “Forever Fingerprints” by Sherrie Eldridge, http://www.amazon.com/Forever-Fingerprints-Amazing-Discovery-Children/dp/0972624430/ref=pd_p_t_1

5.Another great gift is “A Birth Parents Book of Memories-Scrapbook Edition” by Brenda Romanchick…This is a beautiful fill in the blank scrapbook for Birth Parents to fill out and give to the child and the Adoptive family…The scrapbook gives the child a better understanding of who his birth parents are and also gives a great sense of family history. http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/html/books.html…

6.Consider that a visit take place after the hectic pace of the holidays are over and the winter doldrums set in ..it will give you and the Adoptive Family and your Birth Child a great day to look forward to..offer to bring some of your favorite foods to cook together as your gift… Nothing like breaking bread together…I know a Birth Mother and family who do this in January..the Adoptive Family is Anglo the Birth Family is Hispanic… the Birth Mom brings all the “fixings” for home made Tamales infusing the visit with her Birth Child’s culture and heritage…

Here’s the link to Brenda’s article on gifts and visits. ..most of all celebrate and enjoy…keep it simple and loving and please forward any ideas you have ,I’ll post them… click to link http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/html/the_perfect_gift_.html